


exhale

by NicoAndTheNineGalaxies



Series: Vent Fics [16]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fireworks, Fourth of July, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Ice Cream, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Josh Dun is a Sweetheart, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Aftermath, References to Depression, Sad Tyler Joseph, Self-Projecting, Summer, rape/noncon NOT between tyler and josh, vent fic, yeah...this one's rough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25174891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies/pseuds/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies
Summary: Tyler didn’t have to say a word about it, but Josh knew something was wrong.Or, in other words, Tyler has a secret, and Josh is worried.
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Series: Vent Fics [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1287113
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	exhale

**Author's Note:**

> The events of this fic are largely based on my own experiences. It may not be accurate to everyone who's dealt with similar things.
> 
> TW for discussions of rape, self-harm, depression, anxiety, and nightmares.
> 
> Nico x

Tyler didn’t have to say a word about it, but Josh knew something was wrong.

Their relationship was still fairly new - they’d only begun dating a few months earlier, and Tyler had moved into Josh’s apartment barely three weeks ago - but they’d been friends for years, and Josh  _ knew _ how Tyler normally acted, knew what he was like when his depression was hitting harder than usual, knew what he was like when he was trying not to be a burden, and he even knew what he was like when things just got too overwhelming and he’d lock his door and all Josh would hear from him for days would be faint, frantic piano melodies that conveyed a feeling that neither of them knew how to name.

This was different, and the longer it went on, the more Josh started to fear that this was  _ worse. _

They’d gone out for ice cream one weekend in early June, since the summer sun was getting unbearable and the air conditioning in Josh’s car was broken. Tyler had finished his chocolate cone quickly and almost immediately gotten lost in his thoughts, which Josh had taken in stride until Tyler had started scratching absentmindedly at one spot on the side of his neck, just below his jawline, with jagged, bitten nails, leaving the skin there red and raw.

“Hey,” Josh said softly, reaching up and tangling their fingers together, effectively stopping Tyler from doing any more damage.

There were already tiny dots of blood welling up along some of the harsher lines, but Tyler refocused his gaze on Josh and gave him an insincere smile. “Hey,” he echoed.

Josh wasn’t sure if that counted as self-harm, but he was too scared of the answer to ask. He finished his own ice cream and leaned over to press a sticky-sweet kiss to Tyler’s cheek, just because he could, but Tyler’s jaw clenched and Josh decided that maybe Tyler just wanted space.

That was the first instance he could remember, or at least the first one he noticed.

They went to Josh’s parents’ house for the Fourth of July. Tyler’s family planned to join them, and when Tyler and Josh arrived, it seemed like the entire neighborhood must’ve been invited as well. There was a flash of panic in Tyler’s eyes as he took it all in, which Josh thought was odd, since between the two of them, Tyler was far less likely to shy away from people he didn’t know.

“Are you okay?” Josh asked, hooking his pinky with Tyler’s, the tiniest, most reassuring contact he could think of.

Tyler just nodded mutely and Josh led him into the kitchen, grabbing a slice of watermelon for himself and a cup of some sort of off-brand soda for Tyler.

After checking the other rooms of the house, it turned out that the kitchen was the least crowded, so Josh decided to keep Tyler there, at least until that unexplained anxiety had faded. Tyler had drifted toward the corner instinctively, but as soon as Josh moved to stand next to him, Tyler changed directions and moved away from the walls, an odd claustrophobia that Josh hadn’t really seen in him before.

He was careful not to get too close after that.

It wasn’t long before Tyler’s parents arrived, his father showing up so suddenly that even Josh jumped a little, but when Mr. Joseph’s hand landed on Tyler’s shoulder, Tyler flinched away from him so hard that he nearly spilled his drink.

Josh caught him with a light hand on his other arm, not holding him, just steadying him.

Even after his father had apologized, greeted him, and wandered off to mingle with the other guests, Tyler’s hands were still shaking so violently that Josh had to take his cup and set it on the counter so he didn’t drop it.

“Tyler,” Josh began, trying to keep his voice as gentle as possible, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Tyler replied, his tone so harsh and insistent that Josh might not have been able to reconcile it with the person he saw in front of him, if it weren’t for the edge of fear behind it. “I’m just not feeling well.”

“You’re shaking.”

Tyler ignored him. “You said your parents were outside, right?”

“Tyler, if you want to leave - “

“I don’t!” Tyler snapped. “I’m fine, Josh. I swear.”

The outburst was so unlike him that it shocked Josh into silence, and Tyler took the chance to open the back door and slip outside.

Just before he disappeared from sight, Josh saw Tyler begin to scratch at that same spot on the side of his neck.

They tried to stay for the fireworks, but Tyler flinched again every time one was set off. Josh glanced at him, slightly wary, and asked if he wanted to go home.

Tyler just nodded.

When they got back to their apartment, Tyler mumbled something about taking a shower and disappeared into the bathroom. Josh heard the water running a few moments later, and he knew that would leave him with at least fifteen minutes to think about what had been going on.

Usually, when Tyler was upset, the best way to comfort him would be through physical contact. Hugs, hand-holding, even just an arm around his shoulders as they were watching a movie - it all helped to ease some of the tension. Even before they’d begun dating, they tended to be more physically affectionate with each other than anyone else. But lately? Lately, if Josh tried to put an arm around Tyler, or hug him, or even just hold him close as they fell asleep, Tyler would tense and shift away, so subtly that at first Josh hadn’t really thought about it.

But it was getting to the point where he couldn’t  _ not _ think about it, especially with how harshly Tyler had reacted to something as small as a hand on his shoulder.

And then, of course, there were the scratches on his neck.

The more Josh thought about it, the more confused he got. Tyler’s history of self-harm wasn’t news to him, but that didn’t seem to be the cause for this. It was less like Tyler was trying to injure himself and more like he was trying to...remove something, in a way. Most of the times that Josh had witnessed, Tyler hadn’t even seemed to realize what he was doing.

When Josh checked the time again, he was surprised to see that more than an hour had passed, and he was even more surprised to hear the water finally turn off. Tyler usually didn’t take so long in the shower unless there was something serious on his mind.

Tyler emerged from the bathroom, his hair still damp and messy in that endearing way that it usually was after he showered, but what concerned Josh was that his skin was tinged pink as if he’d had the water too hot and his eyes were glassy and distant.

“Tyler?” Josh asked hesitantly.

He blinked a few times and turned toward Josh, but his gaze was still unfocused. The side of his neck was bandaged, which, Josh supposed, was better than nothing.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Tyler swallowed hard and shook his head.

“Can...can you maybe tell me what’s wrong?”

Tyler shook his head again.

“Okay.” Josh knew better than to push for details when Tyler was in a state like this. “I’m going to go to bed. You don’t have to, but please try to get some sleep, okay?”

“Okay,” Tyler echoed.

Josh let go of the breath that had caught in his throat and went to their room.

Tyler slipped under the covers beside him after what felt like forever. Josh opened his eyes but didn’t dare to move, until Tyler curled in closer to his chest, grabbing the edge of one of their blankets and pulling it up to his chin.

“Do you want to talk?” Josh asked once Tyler seemed to have settled in.

Tyler just shook his head.

Giving Tyler plenty of time to move away, Josh wrapped an arm around his waist. “This okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” Josh closed his eyes again, feeling Tyler sigh against his chest. “Sleep well.”

It was about four in the morning according to Josh’s alarm clock when he woke to the feeling of Tyler pushing him away.

For a moment, he was confused, but when he flicked on the lamp on his nightstand, he noticed that Tyler was still asleep, though he’d thrown off the blankets and Josh’s arm.

“Ty,” Josh whispered, reaching out on instinct to touch Tyler’s shoulder but retracting his hand when he remembered how that had made him panic the day before.

It took a while and a few repeats of his name, but Tyler woke suddenly, his eyes opening wide and scared and distant, with the words, “No, don’t,” on his lips.

“Tyler, it’s me,” Josh soothed quickly, trying not to get too close.  _ Not to seem like a threat, _ he thought faintly, and he wondered why he was worried that, of all people, he could be seen as a threat. He’d been Tyler’s best friend for years before either of them had even thought of confessing to wanting more, and Tyler had told him once, during a particularly bad depressive episode, that Josh was the one person he felt like he could talk to about anything.

Tyler locked eyes with him for just a moment, and it struck Josh then that he looked  _ terrified. _ It wasn’t as if he’d been having a usual dream, or even a usual nightmare. He’d just woken up, but he looked ready to bolt.

Then the terror faded and Tyler started to cry.

Josh could hardly breathe through the ache in his chest or speak through the lump in his throat, but he ignored it. “Tyler,” he managed, his voice breaking.

Tyler took a shuddering breath, rolling onto his side to hide his face in Josh’s shoulder. “I’m fine,” he insisted with a forced, watery laugh.

“You’re not,” Josh countered. “Were you having a nightmare?”

Tyler hesitated, then nodded.

“Can you tell me what it was about?”

For a long, almost unbearable moment, Tyler said nothing.

Then he started speaking, so quietly and haltingly that Josh had to strain his ears to hear it.

“There was...this guy. I dated him before you and I ever got together, and...there were things about it that always felt, uh,  _ off, _ somehow, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized that just because I consented to being in a relationship with him, that didn’t necessarily mean that I consented to being... _ with _ him. In-in  _ that _ kind of way.”

It was then that Josh started to realize, with dawning horror, just what Tyler was trying to tell him.

“Tyler,” Josh began carefully, “did he...your ex...did he rape you?”

Tyler inhaled sharply, panicky at the suggestion of rape, but he didn’t try to pull away from Josh. “He...yeah. I guess he did.”

“Oh, God, Tyler,” Josh murmured, wrapping his arms around Tyler and pulling him closer, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “My God. This is why you’ve been so…”

“I know,” Tyler interrupted, and Josh could hear the sob behind the words. “Trust me.  _ Trust me, _ I know.”

“How can I help you, Ty?” Josh asked. He couldn’t bring himself to be embarrassed or really even to notice how much it sounded like he was begging.

“I don’t know,” Tyler admitted. “Just - just don’t look at me any different. Please.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Josh assured him, hoping he sounded at least half as sincere as he felt. “I’m here for you, alright? I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

He was well aware of how much he was repeating himself, but that fact paled in comparison to how much he needed to make sure that Tyler knew he meant it.

“Can we talk more in the morning?” Tyler asked. “I-I can’t do this right now.”

“Of course,” Josh said, kissing the top of Tyler’s head again and nuzzling into his hair, still barely damp. “I love you, okay? I love you so much.”

It was the first time he’d said it since they’d started dating, and when he felt Tyler’s shoulders shake with another nearly-silent sob, he was worried he’d said something wrong.

“I love you, too,” Tyler said eventually when the tears had begun to subside and he’d relaxed in the way that Josh hadn’t seen him relax in months.

When he was sure that Tyler was asleep and it was clear that the universe wasn’t about to collapse in on itself, Josh finally let himself exhale.


End file.
